James Hackett

The religions of the world say that only the Supreme Being that gave us life has the right to take it away.
But what do they know, fighters of wars and causers of destruction in the name of a Supreme Being no one has any actual evidence of seeing.
Why should I owe anything to a cause that has never done anything for me?
I simply won’t. I will walk my own way even if it is to my death.

So be it.

At sixteen years old I woke up and was unable to walk any more.
No one knows why, at least 16 different doctors have tried to guess. Eventually I was fitted for a wheelchair and taught how to live. At the time I thought it was hilarious, how ironic it is that I was planning my 3rd suicide attempt and by strange coincidence I end up disabled. That is a sort of death right?
On the outside it looked as if I was renewed, past issues forgotten and I had taken up a new hold on life to prove that I could still be and do all that was planned for me…in spite of.
They, my family and friends, believed that until suicide attempt number 3 occurred followed within a year by attempt number 4.
When you try to end your own life 4 times people do not treat you the same. Your therapist comes home to visit you and your whole family ends up in therapy, answering questions that anybody with half a brain would not ask. That is how I see it anyway, but I am the chronically depressed weirdo in a wheelchair I may be wrong.
“This is a fundamental principle in Macro Economics…” Professor Mohammed’s voice interrupts my concentration, causing me to look around. Apparently I was taking very determined notes while he was simply reading from the text.
Ok I need to pay better attention and look interested, as if I am concerned about next week’s mid term.
Nervous giggles start bubbling up inside at the thought of it all, I am sitting in a class and trying to understand theory for an exam I do not have to write.
“snort giggle snort cough”
Keep it together Layla this day has to be ordinary.
Take a deep breath and get this day done. Tonight and its journey will come soon enough.
Wouldn’t you know it; it is a perfect night too. A three-quarter moon hangs in the sky like a cookie with a stolen bite. The wind is stirring up leaves and branches and it looks like they are all gossiping together about the neighborhood and its inhabitants. I wonder if the trees will talk about me, maybe it’s a sign, they know what is going to happen and the wind conspired with the trees and the fallen leaves to come witness my final success.
Ha!
I should get to the business at hand and do what I must.
My final words to be said in a letter.
So that they understand, I just wish they would all understand.
It has been 5 years since I last tried to end my own life, and things seem normal, and they are everywhere but inside of me. The time has come for me to pull the inside out for the world to see.
My hand trembles slightly as I let the words flow over the page.
Saying goodbye is never an easy thing to do, I know because I have said it many times over and over again.
I always end back at this same point though, each time is worse than the last.
My therapist always asks me…why do you want to die and I never answer him. I guess I can now.
I want to die because this is the only change that will take place. I tried to change everything else in my life….and make the pain go away and make my life something I want to live.
But every time I try…I end back here in pain and looking for a way to end it.
I am very tired of this….I wish I could explain how tired I am, how much I need a rest from this life.
Every day is agony that I simply let myself absorb…the comments the thoughts the gestures and the lies.
Maybe I am a soul that has been sold a long time ago, maybe I am a coward for choosing this, what people call the easy way out. But it isn’t easy.
I’ve spent years now thinking about how people would react and how they would feel. And I know the pain would be felt, and I wish it wouldn’t be.
But what amuses me is that they would feel pain after I’m gone yet would do nothing to ease the pain I was in while here.
Caught up in their own lives and miseries everyone rarely has time to look in on those they love, until it is too late.
No matter how many times we are told to care while the ones you cherish are near, no one actually listens.
Hell I am probably guilty of that too right? I tried to be different though, to show that I cared and how important people were to me.
In the end it feels like that is what killed me. I gave too much and didn’t keep enough for myself.
Right now I do not have enough to save me and no one realizes how far gone I am. I just spoke to my dad and he just ok’ed me…and went about his stuff, he always has stuff to do. I wish we had gone to the movie and I wish we had taken those days to do more stupid things…u just spoke to me and u had no idea it was our last convo…
I spoke to my mom and she had no clue I spent last night testing my knife out against my wrists. It was too dull.
My parents had to go out and now I am home alone, with opportunity, time and motivation.
They will meet my dead body.
This will hurt my family and friends, maybe a part of me wants to hurt them, as I have been hurt, petty satisfaction.
Maybe my death will cause something good to happen. Maybe it will catalyze people into being closer to each other, maybe.
My head and neck hurts…I have to stop soon.
Everybody trusts me again…they see my msn name and my face and they ask if I’m ok and I say no…but don’t worry about me and they say ok and leave me alone. Mommy is home now. She is leaving me alone too.
So I can close my door and do what I want to, what I feel I must, to end the agony.
I have to hang myself to be sure. I am going to wrap the wire around the burglar proof bars and wrap the other end around my throat. Then it is simply a matter of falling out of my chair…few minutes later it will be done. I just need to close my door or wait till mummy lies down.
Goodbye is never easy, and for a moment I feel like stepping back from my ledge and the life I have bumps into me reminding me of why the abyss is the better option.
Deep Breath now…it is one of my last.
Goodbye is never easy, but living…well…it pushed me to this point…didn’t it?
Goodbye…Goodbye…Goodbye…